10 Weird Facts about Females in the Animal Kingdom

By Alex Billington

1. Female octopi often eat their sexual partner after they make weird slippery tentacle love. How’s that for a one-night stand?

2. Barbary macaque, which is some type of monkey primate thing, fake an orgasm when doing it monkey-style. Ok, not weird enough yet for you? Well, turns out “faking it” is to attract other male partners. Almost as if they are saying, “Hey! Guys, listen to me scream really loudly. Want to go next?” This kind of sounds similar to a lot of humans. “Yeah, Yeah, It’s great for me…would you just finish already? I want to read fifty shades!”

3. Apparently, it was common knowledge that a duck’s vagina is twisted clockwise and a male duck’s penis is counterclockwise. Some smart people at Yale tested to see if female ducks could just say no to sex. Turns out that they really can block insemination. *Cue the image of a female duck trying to like twist clockwise to stop the male duck from getting it.* Ok, just stop imagining it. It’s odd and weird, so just stop.

4. All worker bees are, in fact, females, and males only serve one purpose, which is to reproduce. It’s kind of a brutal repressive slave-like version of sperm donation.

5. Female topi antelopes are only fertile one day per year. I’m assuming for one-day that they go H.A.M. I guess male antelopes have two birthdays…

6. The next weird fact is about anglerfish (It’s ok, I’ve never heard of them either). So, check this out. The smaller male anglerfish swims up to the female, and attaches himself to her. He eventually just becomes a parasite with reproductive organs in tact, which are ready for use at anytime.

7. This one is a real trip. Female house sparrows are so jealous that they go after their male partner’s ex, and kill all her offspring. What kind of fucked up horror story is that?

8. A caecilian worm amphibian (whatever that is) does something very similar to breast-feeding, or what we’re calling breast-feeding for the purposes of this article. The mother can do this really complicated scientific thing with her cells, which makes her skin twice as thick. Then, they let their babies eat it! Just imagine the baby caecilian worm saying, “Hey mom, I’m hungry,” and the mother replying, ”Yeah, no problem, kid. Just eat my stomach, or thigh, or something, I could do with dropping my baby weight anyway.”

9. Killer whales and dolphins do not sleep for the first month of their lives. Their mothers also don’t sleep. Now, that’s a supermom.

10. Animals are weird. So, here’s a piece of advice to men everywhere. Next time you think you can’t understand women, just feel lucky that they aren’t:

A) Eating you

B) Keeping your penis in a handbag

C) Going to your ex’s place and causing more than a “scene”.

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